Response to note: Life is tough but fair, so take it easy

This is a response to a note that Towson University police found in the University Union Friday afternoon. The anonymously written note and the article along with it are in the latest issue of the Towerlight.

Dear anonymous,

I've read your note and you sound really truly convinced that life really stinks. I don't blame you. Things can get very complicated every now and then. And yes, we are one in this world.

My father was unemployed for the first half of the year before he finally got a job. The bills, especially our medical (because all three of us- my parents and I- are all on medication and seeing different doctors), are at an all time high. My father has asthma and high blood pressure; I have anxiety difficulties. I can't stop worrying, although I'm trying to counteract it with a whole lot of therapy and medicine.

But here's a lifeline to you: If you plan to kill yourself, think twice. Think about everything that you're going to miss out of college. Think about everything in detail. Is it really worth it?

You only have one life to live. Is the world and all of these problems worth killing yourself over? If I was in your position, I wouldn't commit suicide; I would get help from someone I trusted.

And if you wanted to help others, you should get involved on campus and do some community service. You could maybe join a non profit organization and do something to benefit the world, like Invisible Children or UNICEF. You could even get some people together and petition the government so you can make a difference. But don't hurt yourself; it won't do anyone any good. It won't do the world any good because that's one more person to die here. Suicide is not a good thing. To me, it's more like a waste of life.

Think about your situation this way: if your life is such a mess right now, you've probably hit rock bottom. It's hard for me to say this because I mostly think things for me will only get worse, but once things get that bad, they can only get better. If you're in hell right now, trust me, something is going to happen that will get you out of that tight spot.

After all, you're in college, getting the best education of your life. There are many people who don't have a college degree or a great college experience. You're not starving in a poor third world country and you're not in a terrible community. There are so many people and resources here that can help you.

Now, I'm not too impressed with this college too much and I'm upset that this economy and the issues today are putting pressure on everyone, including my family. But seriously, there are other people in this world who have worse problems than you do. You can blame everything on the world, but killing yourself is not going to solve any problems.

I'm assuming that you have friends, so I'd say go to them and tell them how you feel about everything. They are there to help you. That's what friends are for.

Other than that, life is fair. Everything happens for a reason, no matter how stupid or outlandish it can get.

You're just in a tough spot and you think that death is the only way out. In high school I tried to kill myself because I used to think those same things that you do and I thought everyone at school hated me. Then I realized that there were people who cared about me and I just have several dilemmas I needed to sort out. I knew there was something wrong with me and I got help. You can do the same.

If I died, I would have never gone on to college, I wouldn't have participated in LeaderShape 2009, I wouldn't have met so many people and had the time of my life. I wouldn't have celebrated my twenty first birthday, I wouldn't have done any community service work with children in Baltimore City when I went to CCBC, and I wouldn't have been secretary of student government before transferring to Towson. I also wouldn't be pursuing my dream of becoming a writer.

Those kinds of things are what you could be missing later on.

If that doesn't help, turn to music, which is what I do all the time. Take these words from KT Tunstall in the song "Heal Over": "It doesn't take a genius to realize that sometimes life is hard. It's gonna take time, but you'll just have to wait. You're gonna be fine."

Everything is going to be better, I promise. Don't hurt yourself, sweetheart. There are so many things ahead of you that could make your life worthwhile and can benefit the world around you at the same time. Every person counts.

I just hope I'm not too late to give you this message.

Most Regards,
The Little Voice

Rachel's Rant 2: Fans need to be sedated

I always look back at the Ramones when I think about becoming famous. I do have some fantasies of becoming a famous singer or a rock bandmate, but I rethink it every time.

My mom has a DVD of The Ramones' performances, backstage footage and news clips about the punk rock band. There is some secret footage that was never released: a video clip from Brazil, I believe, where The Ramones were trying to leave some place. There was a crowd of fans that stretched all the way down the street and they were blocking the exit of the parking lot. Some security guards tried to make the fans move out of the way, but they didn't budge. So the driver decided to slowly move into the crowd down the streets.

The screaming fans still didn't leave. They kept banging on the car and standing in the band's presence. The sounds of bodies colliding with the car were loud enough to be picked up by the cameraman's microphone.

Bands are only made up of humans, not gods. I still want to shout at the fans and tell them to stop acting crazy. They still do. Fans can be extremely crazy, proclaiming that all artists and celebrities are immortal beings that can do anything they please. Then again, look at Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger. Look at Joey Ramone. They aren't immortal beings; they are just as human as the rest of us.

Why all of this commotion? Shortly following a Fall Out Boy concert in April, I was excited to perhaps go backstage or somewhere behind the pavillion at Merriweather, hoping to get an autograph and talk to a couple band members before going home. I was going to see if Fall Out Boy was around to sign my copy of my favorite album Folie a Deux and just talk to them briefly about the concert and music in particular.

However, I wasn't going to lose my cool about it. I would have been super excited, but not crazy; I would hold myself down. I did see a few girls (who seemed to be teenagers) out the corner of my eye as I was leaving, after getting off the phone with my parents and finding it hard to move past the Merriweather staff. The girls were chatting excitedly as if they've just been shot with a high voltage electric jolt.

"Oh my God," one girl cried. "How did you get that signed?!"

"My mom went back there..." another girl said, breathing heavily with excitement. She said that her mother went back to the staff to ask for an autograph for her daughter and she got one.

"Oh my God, let's all go!" the third girl yelled. I tried to run after them across the field, but my exhaustion caught up with me fast. It was around 11 p.m. in Columbia, Md., my throat was hurting from screaming and singing along and I couldn't wait to go to bed. So I left the pavillion with my ticket as my only souvenir and without an autograph.

I still wish that I went over there to get one, but I didn't want my parents to be upset that they had to wait for me and they backed up traffic for doing that. At least I had a good time, that's all I can say.

But do you see how stupid those "fangirls" were acting? I try my best to strive away from that. In fact, all people should not be acting like that.

Here's a guide on how to ace your encounter or interview with a band or famous person-

1.) When you meet them, stay calm, collected and poised.

2.) If you get a chance to talk to them, stick to two topics: the concert and their music. Try to come up with other things that you could discuss just a little bit about those two topics. If it's someone else famous, just stick to what they've done and maybe ask them questions about it.
Example- If I met my favorite actor Orlando Bloom (from my all time favorite movie Pirates of the Caribbean I), here's what I'd ask him:
What did you love about doing a pirate movie like that?
What kinds of films are you drawn to when it comes to acting?
What drives you? What motivates you?

3.) Don't be a sleaze. Bands and artists don't care if you want to marry them or if you think so-and-so is cute.

4.) Don't talk too much. The band wants to leave and take a nap for the night. It's been a long concert, after all! So don't go on and on about your dog, your life, and how you're so obsessed with them. You know why? THEY DON'T CARE! Just be brief.

5.) Don't go up to them drunk. Limit your alcohol. One drink does the trick for me, which is why I don't drink often, more like once in a while. Once I down a daiquiri in less than an hour, I will feel tipsy and I might fall right over. I will also feel a rushed feeling like an electric jolt, which to fangirls, may increase the insanity. That could happen to you if you drink before talking to them. Your drunkenness is not attractive, no matter how many beers you've had. Try to stay sober, especially if you're underage.

6.) If you're too nervous to talk, just go up to them and get the autograph. But don't be too afraid to say, "Hey! Could you sign this for me?" Do it and go.

7.) If you see them in a hurry to leave, leave them alone. Just turn around and go. Don't torment them to death. They have lives, you know.

8.) Do not catch the band in the bathroom for autographs. That's a really bad time.

9.) Finally, scream after you have already left them. Prefferably when you're alone with your friends.

Watch the movie Notting Hill, there is a part in the film where Hugh Grant's character William takes Julia Roberts to his friends' house to celebrate his sister's birthday. His friends handle it all very well until after Roberts leaves the house after the party's over. Then all of William's friends start screaming, not believing that they met a real famous actress. Try to do just that.

Just hold off on the excitement until they're gone. Then go insane.

Other than that, don't go crazy in front of them. Easy on the sugar and the caffeine. And please, don't go up to them completely wasted.

Or I'll find you. Just kidding! :)

It happened

Unbelievable. Carrie Wood finally resigned. I heard it from someone at the interest meeting for the radio station XTSR and I broke my boycott of the paper by picking up a copy of the Towerlight.

I guess it's my turn to say "what goes around comes around", but I won't. When I heard the news, I was shocked, a little happy, saddened, and empathetic. I read the Towerlight statement and Wood's final statement straight through quickly as I made my way to find dinner at Newell Dining Hall. I thought it would never happen, but it did. And the best part is, the reason for her resigning has nothing to do with me.

She quit because she allowed a sex columnist to get published there every week. She could have let some other columnist take the spot, such as the "Your a Idiot" column or someone else's column that didn't provide any graphic information. The anonymously written blog/column "The Bed Post", according to the campus paper statement, was addressing a "sensitive topic" and contained sexual details. Because of that, the University President Robert Caret sent Wood an email last Wednesday and Wood responded in the worst way.

She described in her statement that she acted in complete panic. "I responded out of feelings of fear and of being threatened," she wrote. "In my response, passages were worded in such a way that made it look as if I was throwing my staff under the bus and pushing the responsibility for the column on them."

The paper said it was possibly a mistake, publishing the sex column, but this has been going on for almost a month. The editor and staff could have looked at Lux's work intensively and thought about it. They could have realized that it would be unethical and bad taste to publish her columns.

Then again, this somewhat does have to do with First Amendment rights. In my Media Law class, I learned that there have been lawsuits between high school papers and the school's administrators. Supreme Court ruled that public school administrators can tell what the papers can and cannot publish. But not college papers; college papers are protected by the Constitution.

Still, pornography is still a major issue; it was distasteful to publish that at this time. Someone should have thought of that.

It was a wise decision for her to leave her position and write a statement explaining the situation. If I was in her shoes, I would have panicked, too; I would have had another anxiety attack. But I wouldn't place blame on other staff members. When it comes to publishing explicit content, it's usually the editor's fault as well as the production's fault. The editor should have realized that it was wrong to publish it and she wouldn't have been in danger.

Thank God it wasn't because of me. I'm happy just for that. I don't want to be the reason for her leaving the position. I would have felt that everyone at the paper hates me because I would have done it and I'd suddenly become the enemy. I don't want to be the enemy.

The sadness that I feel is because I still can't work there at the paper since I'm still on University probation. That, and I feel that my writing dream is now slowly dying of cancer. It's not because of Carrie Wood, it's because of me as a person.

I get too emotional when I get rejected or someone yells at me. I always have a fear of it and I end up losing control when that happens. However, I am constantly reminded with the fact that reporters and writers get rejected and yelled at all the time. Some readers don't like particular articles that they sometimes go up to the writers and scream at them about it.

Because I can't take those responses very well; maybe I shouldn't be a writer at all. Then again, I'd have to see what the psychiatrist says and how I'll react to medication. Still, I feel like I should never write for that newspaper ever again. Besides, some of the articles and opinion pieces are wrong or they just disappoint me.

Moderately bummed

I was looking at my former Journalism professor's profile on the home page of Towson's Mass Communications Department and I heard about a workshop coming up on October 9 from 9:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. It was called "High School Journalism Day" taking place here on campus (specifically in the University Union) and it had workshops on taking a publication to the Internet and beyond.

It all sounds very cool and I'd love to be a part of it since I'm a Journalism major. There are just a few baby hiccups: the deadline was on September 23, which has already passed, the registration fee was $20 (the same amount for my membership dues for the television station WMJF), and I would be interfering with the Towerlight, which means I'd be in violation of my University probation.

Now if I had already talked about my idea to start my own publication to Dr. Spaulding and my current teacher Jenny Atwater before that deadline, why didn't they tell me about this? And more importantly: if I had only just held myself down instead of letting my jitters, my angst and jelousy get the best of me, I wouldn't be on University probation right now.

Then again, it's probably for high school students only, which might be why it was "High School Journalism Day".

I'm definitely not going to that. And I mean it. Besides, I have class that day and I need to pay my dues to the television station soon. I also have a lot of other things on my mind, like speaking about possible medication to a psychiatrist and an on campus counselor in addition to my off-site therapist, writing articles for Prof. Atwater's class and FMOE (for my own experience), finding assignments for WMJF reporters, and cleaning my room at home.

Yes, my room needs cleaning. There are so many papers, books and folders cluttering up the right side of my room in front of my teeny tiny desk from Ikea that has a poor excuse for a bookshelf. The small space at the bottom of it isn't even enough for all of the books and papers I have. So I need to downsize the amount of stuff that I have already.

Still, looking at the website made me feel depressed. I can't go over to that office for the next year and I would love to write there, just not for the current Editor in Chief.

On the bright side, I'm an assignment editor for the television station and I'm possibily going to help the campus online radio station XTSR. I'm not sure what will happen later in the semester or my junior year for that matter, but I'll wait around for now.

It keeps going, and going, and going...

The anxiety relapse is starting to fade a little, but I think it's still there.

I'm prioritizing more often. I'm thinking about things that I should look at now instead of looking to the future too often. It's been two weeks since I visited the Towerlight, which is great. I'm starting to feel tired a little earlier in the evening.

But it still bugs me. This morning, I drank a very light cup of green tea that didn't have so much caffeine in it, but I still got a tiny bit of nervousness because of it. I still fidget in class.

In Political Science, I worry every single day that I'm not doing a good job at taking notes for the class. (I'm a notetaker for Disability Support Services.) But my professor reassures me that I'm doing a good job and I shouldn't worry so much.

My pulse quickens when I realize I may have left out something my professor said on the homework that we needed to do for an assignment. Then as soon as I'm done fixing the assignment, I can't feel sleepy until 11:30 or midnight. I also think about how behind I am in my project to start my own campus publication and it always concerns me.

So today, I have a very hard time with switching off my brain. All of a sudden, I've felt this energy boost, like when I drink a glass of champagne or a strawberry daiquiri. There are all of these things that I can't get off my mind that I feel like I won't be able to find the time to get a nap since I've only had six and a half hours of sleep last night.

I talked to a psychologist yesterday at Glen Esk (the campus Counseling Center) to arrange an appointment. He said that with how I've explained my situation, along with the way Susan Willemin has explained it as well, he might refer me to a psychiatrist. And later on, I would need to see him and the psychiatrist more often, but not normally once a week. So I would be juggling appointments with an on campus psychologist, my therapist, Mrs. Willemin, and a psychiatrist on top of everything else I have to deal with at school and home.

I don't think I'll make the time for that! I have a lot of things on my mind already. Then again, it might help me. It is rather important, though I want to get involved on campus and do something that will benefit both me and the community.

Also, I still have a couple more problems with medication that still concerns me. As soon as I graduate in 2011, I will no longer be on my parents' health insurance plan. Thus, I may have to discontinue use of medication after I leave Towson, which may cause a crash. I additionally don't want to be dependent on it.

In addition, I just found out that Buspar, which I may be elligible for, may not be as effective as other medications. So I would have to start on something a little stronger, such as Valium or an antidepressant like Lexapro, just not a strong potency of it. I'm still a little scared of taking any of it because of the side effects and the risks of dependency and death.

Also, I'm afraid I'll lose my enthusiasm and cheerfulness. The same kind of excited feeling I get when I'm upset, I feel it when I'm very happy and perky. Sometimes people tell me to tone down my cheerfulness, but most of the time my perky feelings cheer up everyone around me. I don't want to lose that.

It hasn't gone away completely. I'm still very worried. And worry and fear always stare me in the face every day.

Like the Energizer bunny, the anxiety just keeps going, and going, and going, and going..... Only, the energy boosts are just a bit "on and off again".

Anxiety relapse

Every year or semester, I relapse in my emotions. I tend to lose my cool over little things and I'm afraid of so much. I've been in therapy for so long, and I thought it was working.

Now, my problems have come back, only much worse than they used to be.

My dad thinks I take too long to get ready to go someplace, when I'm really fretting over how I look and trying to figure out what I need to take with me. I constantly think that I'm not doing enough work for classes, so I bring extra books and pens just in case.

I am my worst critic. I'm extremely hard on myself; I think I relax too much and I need to work a little more and a little harder. Then again, I'm drawn to music and other things online, which are major distractions and how I procrastinate.

Procrastinating is awful, especially for journalists. Journalists write on deadlines all the time; there's no time to relax because stories need to be written fast. There's no room for errors or checking out something else that catches your eye for a moment.

Unfortunately, I'm relapsing in judgement already. I thought this year was going to be better than last, but my head always gets in the way. I freaked out in Journalism class when I had difficulty with the printer in class and I needed to print my assignment. I was already late for a meeting with someone from Disability Support Services. Now my proffessor/advisor Jenny Atwater is concerned about me, like all the other professors I've had in the past few years.

The next thing I knew, I had a meltdown in the Administration building because I was five minutes late for my appointment and Susan Willemin had gone to a meeting. I was mad at myself for not getting there on time and I couldn't understand it. So I called myself an idiot and yelled out loud.

I typed up what I've been feeling recently into WebMd and saw the search results. There it was: Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

However, I didn't think I had a serious case of it. I had most of the symptoms that helpguide.org showed. The physical symptoms I was showing were: muscle tension or aches, soreness, headaches, trouble falling asleep, jumpiness (or tremors), restlessness and tiring easily. My psychological symptoms were: inability to relax and control anxious thoughts, some feelings of dread, difficulty concentrating (or too much concentrating) and fear of losing control or being rejected.

I hate being rejected and I'm still terrified of it. I can't stop worrying about my parents' finances as well as my own. I constantly think about events I want to attend and assignments that are due soon. My head doesn't turn it off. I have difficulty feeling tired before midnight and I've felt "jittery" several times in the past few weeks, like my heart was going to jump from my chest.

I'm scared to death that I'm not going to make it in life and that no one will like me. That I'll just be some loser who still lives with her parents and hasn't done anything for the world or her life.

Perhaps it's punnishment for me not listening to my parents, teachers and others telling me to relax. Now, Willemin and my therapist are both telling me to start on medication. I'm not sick; I don't need medicine, I thought. Still, what I'm experiencing isn't pre menstrual. I've had this problem every single year and everyone's on my case about it. I try so hard to be perfect and instead, I mess up.

I read on another article from medicinenet.org that possibly the safest antianxiety medication I could take is Buspar. There is no risk of dependency, unlike other common prescriptions such as Valium or Ativan, which are used for more severe cases of anxiety. It also doesn't cause sedation like those prescriptions.

So people with severe anxiety get sedated! That's funny, actually. But I know my case is not that bad.

The only things I'm worried about are the side effects, my parents' medical bills, and the possibility that it won't start working immediately. Like antidepressants, antianxiety medications (except those like Valium) take a couple of weeks to start working. I don't want to have to deal with the Office of Student Conduct again and I'm tired of worrying about everything. I'm tired of having problems with something every year and how I can change from happy and perky to agitated and disappointed. Plus, medicine is expensive. My dad takes medication for blood pressure and he's an asthmatic.

The little voice is telling me to get extra help and maybe try taking medicine to help a slight brain chemical spike. I've trusted that voice so far in my life. But should I trust it this time?

Goodbye, stupid libelous post

This is just a note that the very first couple of posts to this blog that both referred to the Towerlight have been deleted.

Don't ask me why or how I came to it, but it's no longer available to read.

It was more of a personal rant that I made and it was a horrendous mistake to post it here in public. There also would have been an issue with libel somewhere in that post, which is not good to show to employers. So, it's finally been removed.

Good thing I got rid of it in time. I've been getting several notices and meetings with other people who were concerned with the post and possibly with me as well.

From now on, this blog will be devoted to close examinations of opinions, not matters of other students or how other people are nasty.

And let that be a lesson to all of you future writers- blogs are not personal journals. It's the Internet; anyone can see what you write. That means employers and your worst enemies, too.

Rachel's Rant 1: A transfer's first year pains

I had a pretty good hunch that my first year at Towson University was going to be better than ever. I love college and I always have. I've spent two stressful yet amazing years at Essex Community College as the Student Government secretary and a future writer. CCBC really helped me figure out my career path and major. The people there- professors, coordinators and colleagues- were always there to shape me to become an even better person. I felt that this transition to a four year school was going to be smooth and easy.

But as a transfer student, it was one of the toughest years I've ever had.

I got fired from Towson Phonathon after working there for a month because I wasn't getting enough pledges from the people I called. And Towerlight editor Carrie Wood nearly killed my dream of becoming a writer and ended my aspirations of writing for it.

I looked at other organizations in relation to my major and other interesting things. I wanted to see the television station before I found out their fee was $15 and they met in the evening when I normally go home. A couple of old friends I saw on occasion told me that no one watches the WMJF station and no one bothers to listen to XTSR, the campus radio.

Worst of all, I had the worst time interacting with other students and finding time to attend club meetings. I'm normally at school all day, from 8 in the morning until around 6:30 p.m. when my parents come to pick me up for dinner. I still don't drive because I can't afford a car, or driving classes or the car insurance plan my parents are on.

So for the first year of school, I missed out on most events since they happened at night. Sometimes I showed up at Ballroom Dance Club and Society of Professional Journalists meetings, but I didn't have the money to pay for dinner Tuesday nights so I could go to either or both of them. They both still happen on the same night.

Also, in my first semester I found that everyone already knew each other; so I felt like I was just dumped here. I still feel like that today, even though I had the greatest time of my life networking with 60 students at LeaderShape in January.

The only thing that went well for me besides that was my academic scores. I was on the Dean's List twice this past year and I'm going to be inducted into the National Society of Collegiate Scholars on September 25.

Today, I still don't have a lot of places to turn to. Ever since the incident with Wood, I can't find other places to engage with students, help my community, and gain experience in the journalism field. Things are much tighter now that I go to class 4 days a week and my dad just got a new job that lets him off at 7 p.m. so he doesn't get home until 8. He even works weekends and he's off on Tuesday and Wednesday only.

At least he has a job now. Due to the economy and General Motors going bankrupt, my father's been unemployed for the first half of the year until he finally got hired by a customer service company.

But I'm sick of getting up at 6 in the morning and missing out on everything at night. Most of the people I know are busy as Residence Assistants or with other work and I rarely get to see them. I want to help my community, but I don't know where to start.

Housing and Residence Life won’t even let me live at Towson Run because there’s no space available. I can’t live anywhere else on campus except overly expensive Millennium Hall since I’m a junior. I could live at Donnybrook, Kenilworth or Cardiff Hall, which are much cheaper, but: 1. some students get attacked, robbed, or assaulted by men there, according to online campus alerts, and 2. I want to save the money I've earned from rebate checks to pay back my student loans.

In short: I'm completely stuck. I have so many barriers that I'm trying to break down.

A public statement

The last blog got a surprising, if not scary, response not too long ago.

Perhaps I was a bit harsh in that last post.

The Office of Student Conduct and Civility Services sent me an email saying that I needed to make an appoinment with them before Labor Day or I they would place a hold on my account. At first, I was in shock and I started to feel a little sick. Was I in trouble again for something horrible I did?

When I made it to the Administration building, I was already having an anxiety attack. It happens when I know I'm in trouble for something and I'm extremely worried or when I'm having a meltdown.

So when I got to the office, I found that Carrie Wood read my first blog and automatically assumed that I was going to cause her physical harm, which was the reason for reporting me.

It was a false alarm, at least. But I still felt upset that someone thought I would do something horrible to them. I honestly don't mean to cause harm on people. Ever since I started going to therapy when I was fifteen, I learned that inflicting pain on others is not worth anything. Hitting or punching people doesn't solve problems; it just leaves cuts and bruises.

Therefore, I NEVER want, nor will I ever, inflict physical pain on Carrie Wood. As much as I have a nasty grudge against her, I know I won't be able to come close to harm her physically. I have no intention of hurting anyone anyway.

There have been times in high school where I wanted to hurt those who insulted and ridiculed me, but I had flabby arms and I wasn't very good at fighting. Now, I still have flabby arms and I can say bad things, but remember that I'm only VENTING. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to do any of those evil things. About one hundred percent of the time, I will never get to taking it out on someone in person.

The Rachel's Rant series is clearly about something I feel "angsty" about, so I strongly encourage readers to avoid assuming that I'm going to do something extreme due to issues posted here. If I ever do write something extreme, which I may never do, assume that it's not going to happen because it never will.

I still hate Wood and I don't wish her well, but I never want to hurt people. I've read my last blog over and over; not one sentence in the entire thing says that I want to hurt her. Not one.