Anxiety relapse

Every year or semester, I relapse in my emotions. I tend to lose my cool over little things and I'm afraid of so much. I've been in therapy for so long, and I thought it was working.

Now, my problems have come back, only much worse than they used to be.

My dad thinks I take too long to get ready to go someplace, when I'm really fretting over how I look and trying to figure out what I need to take with me. I constantly think that I'm not doing enough work for classes, so I bring extra books and pens just in case.

I am my worst critic. I'm extremely hard on myself; I think I relax too much and I need to work a little more and a little harder. Then again, I'm drawn to music and other things online, which are major distractions and how I procrastinate.

Procrastinating is awful, especially for journalists. Journalists write on deadlines all the time; there's no time to relax because stories need to be written fast. There's no room for errors or checking out something else that catches your eye for a moment.

Unfortunately, I'm relapsing in judgement already. I thought this year was going to be better than last, but my head always gets in the way. I freaked out in Journalism class when I had difficulty with the printer in class and I needed to print my assignment. I was already late for a meeting with someone from Disability Support Services. Now my proffessor/advisor Jenny Atwater is concerned about me, like all the other professors I've had in the past few years.

The next thing I knew, I had a meltdown in the Administration building because I was five minutes late for my appointment and Susan Willemin had gone to a meeting. I was mad at myself for not getting there on time and I couldn't understand it. So I called myself an idiot and yelled out loud.

I typed up what I've been feeling recently into WebMd and saw the search results. There it was: Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

However, I didn't think I had a serious case of it. I had most of the symptoms that helpguide.org showed. The physical symptoms I was showing were: muscle tension or aches, soreness, headaches, trouble falling asleep, jumpiness (or tremors), restlessness and tiring easily. My psychological symptoms were: inability to relax and control anxious thoughts, some feelings of dread, difficulty concentrating (or too much concentrating) and fear of losing control or being rejected.

I hate being rejected and I'm still terrified of it. I can't stop worrying about my parents' finances as well as my own. I constantly think about events I want to attend and assignments that are due soon. My head doesn't turn it off. I have difficulty feeling tired before midnight and I've felt "jittery" several times in the past few weeks, like my heart was going to jump from my chest.

I'm scared to death that I'm not going to make it in life and that no one will like me. That I'll just be some loser who still lives with her parents and hasn't done anything for the world or her life.

Perhaps it's punnishment for me not listening to my parents, teachers and others telling me to relax. Now, Willemin and my therapist are both telling me to start on medication. I'm not sick; I don't need medicine, I thought. Still, what I'm experiencing isn't pre menstrual. I've had this problem every single year and everyone's on my case about it. I try so hard to be perfect and instead, I mess up.

I read on another article from medicinenet.org that possibly the safest antianxiety medication I could take is Buspar. There is no risk of dependency, unlike other common prescriptions such as Valium or Ativan, which are used for more severe cases of anxiety. It also doesn't cause sedation like those prescriptions.

So people with severe anxiety get sedated! That's funny, actually. But I know my case is not that bad.

The only things I'm worried about are the side effects, my parents' medical bills, and the possibility that it won't start working immediately. Like antidepressants, antianxiety medications (except those like Valium) take a couple of weeks to start working. I don't want to have to deal with the Office of Student Conduct again and I'm tired of worrying about everything. I'm tired of having problems with something every year and how I can change from happy and perky to agitated and disappointed. Plus, medicine is expensive. My dad takes medication for blood pressure and he's an asthmatic.

The little voice is telling me to get extra help and maybe try taking medicine to help a slight brain chemical spike. I've trusted that voice so far in my life. But should I trust it this time?