I'm prioritizing more often. I'm thinking about things that I should look at now instead of looking to the future too often. It's been two weeks since I visited the Towerlight, which is great. I'm starting to feel tired a little earlier in the evening.
But it still bugs me. This morning, I drank a very light cup of green tea that didn't have so much caffeine in it, but I still got a tiny bit of nervousness because of it. I still fidget in class.
In Political Science, I worry every single day that I'm not doing a good job at taking notes for the class. (I'm a notetaker for Disability Support Services.) But my professor reassures me that I'm doing a good job and I shouldn't worry so much.
My pulse quickens when I realize I may have left out something my professor said on the homework that we needed to do for an assignment. Then as soon as I'm done fixing the assignment, I can't feel sleepy until 11:30 or midnight. I also think about how behind I am in my project to start my own campus publication and it always concerns me.
So today, I have a very hard time with switching off my brain. All of a sudden, I've felt this energy boost, like when I drink a glass of champagne or a strawberry daiquiri. There are all of these things that I can't get off my mind that I feel like I won't be able to find the time to get a nap since I've only had six and a half hours of sleep last night.
I talked to a psychologist yesterday at Glen Esk (the campus Counseling Center) to arrange an appointment. He said that with how I've explained my situation, along with the way Susan Willemin has explained it as well, he might refer me to a psychiatrist. And later on, I would need to see him and the psychiatrist more often, but not normally once a week. So I would be juggling appointments with an on campus psychologist, my therapist, Mrs. Willemin, and a psychiatrist on top of everything else I have to deal with at school and home.
I don't think I'll make the time for that! I have a lot of things on my mind already. Then again, it might help me. It is rather important, though I want to get involved on campus and do something that will benefit both me and the community.
Also, I still have a couple more problems with medication that still concerns me. As soon as I graduate in 2011, I will no longer be on my parents' health insurance plan. Thus, I may have to discontinue use of medication after I leave Towson, which may cause a crash. I additionally don't want to be dependent on it.
In addition, I just found out that Buspar, which I may be elligible for, may not be as effective as other medications. So I would have to start on something a little stronger, such as Valium or an antidepressant like Lexapro, just not a strong potency of it. I'm still a little scared of taking any of it because of the side effects and the risks of dependency and death.
Also, I'm afraid I'll lose my enthusiasm and cheerfulness. The same kind of excited feeling I get when I'm upset, I feel it when I'm very happy and perky. Sometimes people tell me to tone down my cheerfulness, but most of the time my perky feelings cheer up everyone around me. I don't want to lose that.
It hasn't gone away completely. I'm still very worried. And worry and fear always stare me in the face every day.
Like the Energizer bunny, the anxiety just keeps going, and going, and going, and going..... Only, the energy boosts are just a bit "on and off again".
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