It keeps going, and going, and going...

The anxiety relapse is starting to fade a little, but I think it's still there.

I'm prioritizing more often. I'm thinking about things that I should look at now instead of looking to the future too often. It's been two weeks since I visited the Towerlight, which is great. I'm starting to feel tired a little earlier in the evening.

But it still bugs me. This morning, I drank a very light cup of green tea that didn't have so much caffeine in it, but I still got a tiny bit of nervousness because of it. I still fidget in class.

In Political Science, I worry every single day that I'm not doing a good job at taking notes for the class. (I'm a notetaker for Disability Support Services.) But my professor reassures me that I'm doing a good job and I shouldn't worry so much.

My pulse quickens when I realize I may have left out something my professor said on the homework that we needed to do for an assignment. Then as soon as I'm done fixing the assignment, I can't feel sleepy until 11:30 or midnight. I also think about how behind I am in my project to start my own campus publication and it always concerns me.

So today, I have a very hard time with switching off my brain. All of a sudden, I've felt this energy boost, like when I drink a glass of champagne or a strawberry daiquiri. There are all of these things that I can't get off my mind that I feel like I won't be able to find the time to get a nap since I've only had six and a half hours of sleep last night.

I talked to a psychologist yesterday at Glen Esk (the campus Counseling Center) to arrange an appointment. He said that with how I've explained my situation, along with the way Susan Willemin has explained it as well, he might refer me to a psychiatrist. And later on, I would need to see him and the psychiatrist more often, but not normally once a week. So I would be juggling appointments with an on campus psychologist, my therapist, Mrs. Willemin, and a psychiatrist on top of everything else I have to deal with at school and home.

I don't think I'll make the time for that! I have a lot of things on my mind already. Then again, it might help me. It is rather important, though I want to get involved on campus and do something that will benefit both me and the community.

Also, I still have a couple more problems with medication that still concerns me. As soon as I graduate in 2011, I will no longer be on my parents' health insurance plan. Thus, I may have to discontinue use of medication after I leave Towson, which may cause a crash. I additionally don't want to be dependent on it.

In addition, I just found out that Buspar, which I may be elligible for, may not be as effective as other medications. So I would have to start on something a little stronger, such as Valium or an antidepressant like Lexapro, just not a strong potency of it. I'm still a little scared of taking any of it because of the side effects and the risks of dependency and death.

Also, I'm afraid I'll lose my enthusiasm and cheerfulness. The same kind of excited feeling I get when I'm upset, I feel it when I'm very happy and perky. Sometimes people tell me to tone down my cheerfulness, but most of the time my perky feelings cheer up everyone around me. I don't want to lose that.

It hasn't gone away completely. I'm still very worried. And worry and fear always stare me in the face every day.

Like the Energizer bunny, the anxiety just keeps going, and going, and going, and going..... Only, the energy boosts are just a bit "on and off again".

Anxiety relapse

Every year or semester, I relapse in my emotions. I tend to lose my cool over little things and I'm afraid of so much. I've been in therapy for so long, and I thought it was working.

Now, my problems have come back, only much worse than they used to be.

My dad thinks I take too long to get ready to go someplace, when I'm really fretting over how I look and trying to figure out what I need to take with me. I constantly think that I'm not doing enough work for classes, so I bring extra books and pens just in case.

I am my worst critic. I'm extremely hard on myself; I think I relax too much and I need to work a little more and a little harder. Then again, I'm drawn to music and other things online, which are major distractions and how I procrastinate.

Procrastinating is awful, especially for journalists. Journalists write on deadlines all the time; there's no time to relax because stories need to be written fast. There's no room for errors or checking out something else that catches your eye for a moment.

Unfortunately, I'm relapsing in judgement already. I thought this year was going to be better than last, but my head always gets in the way. I freaked out in Journalism class when I had difficulty with the printer in class and I needed to print my assignment. I was already late for a meeting with someone from Disability Support Services. Now my proffessor/advisor Jenny Atwater is concerned about me, like all the other professors I've had in the past few years.

The next thing I knew, I had a meltdown in the Administration building because I was five minutes late for my appointment and Susan Willemin had gone to a meeting. I was mad at myself for not getting there on time and I couldn't understand it. So I called myself an idiot and yelled out loud.

I typed up what I've been feeling recently into WebMd and saw the search results. There it was: Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

However, I didn't think I had a serious case of it. I had most of the symptoms that helpguide.org showed. The physical symptoms I was showing were: muscle tension or aches, soreness, headaches, trouble falling asleep, jumpiness (or tremors), restlessness and tiring easily. My psychological symptoms were: inability to relax and control anxious thoughts, some feelings of dread, difficulty concentrating (or too much concentrating) and fear of losing control or being rejected.

I hate being rejected and I'm still terrified of it. I can't stop worrying about my parents' finances as well as my own. I constantly think about events I want to attend and assignments that are due soon. My head doesn't turn it off. I have difficulty feeling tired before midnight and I've felt "jittery" several times in the past few weeks, like my heart was going to jump from my chest.

I'm scared to death that I'm not going to make it in life and that no one will like me. That I'll just be some loser who still lives with her parents and hasn't done anything for the world or her life.

Perhaps it's punnishment for me not listening to my parents, teachers and others telling me to relax. Now, Willemin and my therapist are both telling me to start on medication. I'm not sick; I don't need medicine, I thought. Still, what I'm experiencing isn't pre menstrual. I've had this problem every single year and everyone's on my case about it. I try so hard to be perfect and instead, I mess up.

I read on another article from medicinenet.org that possibly the safest antianxiety medication I could take is Buspar. There is no risk of dependency, unlike other common prescriptions such as Valium or Ativan, which are used for more severe cases of anxiety. It also doesn't cause sedation like those prescriptions.

So people with severe anxiety get sedated! That's funny, actually. But I know my case is not that bad.

The only things I'm worried about are the side effects, my parents' medical bills, and the possibility that it won't start working immediately. Like antidepressants, antianxiety medications (except those like Valium) take a couple of weeks to start working. I don't want to have to deal with the Office of Student Conduct again and I'm tired of worrying about everything. I'm tired of having problems with something every year and how I can change from happy and perky to agitated and disappointed. Plus, medicine is expensive. My dad takes medication for blood pressure and he's an asthmatic.

The little voice is telling me to get extra help and maybe try taking medicine to help a slight brain chemical spike. I've trusted that voice so far in my life. But should I trust it this time?

Goodbye, stupid libelous post

This is just a note that the very first couple of posts to this blog that both referred to the Towerlight have been deleted.

Don't ask me why or how I came to it, but it's no longer available to read.

It was more of a personal rant that I made and it was a horrendous mistake to post it here in public. There also would have been an issue with libel somewhere in that post, which is not good to show to employers. So, it's finally been removed.

Good thing I got rid of it in time. I've been getting several notices and meetings with other people who were concerned with the post and possibly with me as well.

From now on, this blog will be devoted to close examinations of opinions, not matters of other students or how other people are nasty.

And let that be a lesson to all of you future writers- blogs are not personal journals. It's the Internet; anyone can see what you write. That means employers and your worst enemies, too.

Rachel's Rant 1: A transfer's first year pains

I had a pretty good hunch that my first year at Towson University was going to be better than ever. I love college and I always have. I've spent two stressful yet amazing years at Essex Community College as the Student Government secretary and a future writer. CCBC really helped me figure out my career path and major. The people there- professors, coordinators and colleagues- were always there to shape me to become an even better person. I felt that this transition to a four year school was going to be smooth and easy.

But as a transfer student, it was one of the toughest years I've ever had.

I got fired from Towson Phonathon after working there for a month because I wasn't getting enough pledges from the people I called. And Towerlight editor Carrie Wood nearly killed my dream of becoming a writer and ended my aspirations of writing for it.

I looked at other organizations in relation to my major and other interesting things. I wanted to see the television station before I found out their fee was $15 and they met in the evening when I normally go home. A couple of old friends I saw on occasion told me that no one watches the WMJF station and no one bothers to listen to XTSR, the campus radio.

Worst of all, I had the worst time interacting with other students and finding time to attend club meetings. I'm normally at school all day, from 8 in the morning until around 6:30 p.m. when my parents come to pick me up for dinner. I still don't drive because I can't afford a car, or driving classes or the car insurance plan my parents are on.

So for the first year of school, I missed out on most events since they happened at night. Sometimes I showed up at Ballroom Dance Club and Society of Professional Journalists meetings, but I didn't have the money to pay for dinner Tuesday nights so I could go to either or both of them. They both still happen on the same night.

Also, in my first semester I found that everyone already knew each other; so I felt like I was just dumped here. I still feel like that today, even though I had the greatest time of my life networking with 60 students at LeaderShape in January.

The only thing that went well for me besides that was my academic scores. I was on the Dean's List twice this past year and I'm going to be inducted into the National Society of Collegiate Scholars on September 25.

Today, I still don't have a lot of places to turn to. Ever since the incident with Wood, I can't find other places to engage with students, help my community, and gain experience in the journalism field. Things are much tighter now that I go to class 4 days a week and my dad just got a new job that lets him off at 7 p.m. so he doesn't get home until 8. He even works weekends and he's off on Tuesday and Wednesday only.

At least he has a job now. Due to the economy and General Motors going bankrupt, my father's been unemployed for the first half of the year until he finally got hired by a customer service company.

But I'm sick of getting up at 6 in the morning and missing out on everything at night. Most of the people I know are busy as Residence Assistants or with other work and I rarely get to see them. I want to help my community, but I don't know where to start.

Housing and Residence Life won’t even let me live at Towson Run because there’s no space available. I can’t live anywhere else on campus except overly expensive Millennium Hall since I’m a junior. I could live at Donnybrook, Kenilworth or Cardiff Hall, which are much cheaper, but: 1. some students get attacked, robbed, or assaulted by men there, according to online campus alerts, and 2. I want to save the money I've earned from rebate checks to pay back my student loans.

In short: I'm completely stuck. I have so many barriers that I'm trying to break down.

A public statement

The last blog got a surprising, if not scary, response not too long ago.

Perhaps I was a bit harsh in that last post.

The Office of Student Conduct and Civility Services sent me an email saying that I needed to make an appoinment with them before Labor Day or I they would place a hold on my account. At first, I was in shock and I started to feel a little sick. Was I in trouble again for something horrible I did?

When I made it to the Administration building, I was already having an anxiety attack. It happens when I know I'm in trouble for something and I'm extremely worried or when I'm having a meltdown.

So when I got to the office, I found that Carrie Wood read my first blog and automatically assumed that I was going to cause her physical harm, which was the reason for reporting me.

It was a false alarm, at least. But I still felt upset that someone thought I would do something horrible to them. I honestly don't mean to cause harm on people. Ever since I started going to therapy when I was fifteen, I learned that inflicting pain on others is not worth anything. Hitting or punching people doesn't solve problems; it just leaves cuts and bruises.

Therefore, I NEVER want, nor will I ever, inflict physical pain on Carrie Wood. As much as I have a nasty grudge against her, I know I won't be able to come close to harm her physically. I have no intention of hurting anyone anyway.

There have been times in high school where I wanted to hurt those who insulted and ridiculed me, but I had flabby arms and I wasn't very good at fighting. Now, I still have flabby arms and I can say bad things, but remember that I'm only VENTING. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to do any of those evil things. About one hundred percent of the time, I will never get to taking it out on someone in person.

The Rachel's Rant series is clearly about something I feel "angsty" about, so I strongly encourage readers to avoid assuming that I'm going to do something extreme due to issues posted here. If I ever do write something extreme, which I may never do, assume that it's not going to happen because it never will.

I still hate Wood and I don't wish her well, but I never want to hurt people. I've read my last blog over and over; not one sentence in the entire thing says that I want to hurt her. Not one.